Wall Art in Porto- October 2017

It’s my last few weeks as a 20-Something and I think that’s completely wild, terrifying and also really freeing. Coming up to almost three decades of life, especially considering the climate of the world right now, has resulted in a lot more soul searching than normal.

For those that have never met, never talked with me, never been in my space, I tend to overthink, over analyze,  and feel a lot. All the time.

To put it simple:

I love reflecting. 

But I’m (finally) learning that while reflection can be extremely beneficial it can also lead me into some dark places and I need to build into my reflection places to pause and take a breathe. Places to disconnect from those thoughts and feelings for clarity sake.

How many times have you replayed an interaction you’ve had? How many times did you slow down, pause, and over analyze every syllable, every body twitch, every perceived slight, perceived subtext? And where did it get you?

That’s my normal brain activity. It creates patterns. It sees beneath the word. It turns on itself by turning things over and over.

This is a piece of me that I love without falter. It’s a strength I have and try to use for good (mine and the World’s). I can see things others don’t. I can translate these feelings (sometimes) into words. The problem with strengths? There is always a dark side.

The dark side of reflection?

If I’m honest, there has never been a clear moment in my life that hasn’t had a dark cloud hanging over it. It’s normal for me to feel the storm cloud moving through life with me. It also means that I’ve likely been clinically depressed since I was a child and that this reflection can (and does) take me to dark places.

I think what I really want to leave in my 20s is that I have to exist in that darkness alone. That speaking on my feelings, my thoughts, my wants, my needs, my experiences are invalid for any reason. I want to start to truly crack through the rock caverns that I hide in with this reflection and stop feeding the dark. It’s never going away. It’s a part of me, but that doesn’t mean I have to make it all of me.

For now, I’ll leave you with this song from Leonard Cohen because, as well as being reflective and dark, I’m also really cheesy:  Leonard Cohen-Anthem